{"id":136461,"date":"2019-11-17T20:47:10","date_gmt":"2019-11-17T20:47:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.dailymail.co.uk\/home\/you\/article-7660947\/My-evil-ex-cut-loved-coercive-control.html?ns_mchannel=rss&ito=1490&ns_campaign=1490"},"modified":"2019-11-17T20:47:10","modified_gmt":"2019-11-17T20:47:10","slug":"my-evil-ex-cut-me-off-from-everyone-i-loved-with-coercive-control","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/wardoon.net\/so\/my-evil-ex-cut-me-off-from-everyone-i-loved-with-coercive-control\/","title":{"rendered":"My evil ex cut me off from everyone I loved with coercive control"},"content":{"rendered":"

What do you do when the man you thought you loved morphs into a controlling monster? Isolated and fearing for her life,<\/span><\/span> Jacqui Childs<\/span><\/span> turned to the only person unafraid to stand up to him\u2026 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\n
\"Jacqui<\/div>\n

\"Jacqui<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Jacqui (left) with her sister Mandy, who helped her to escape<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

The moment I saw Terry, I thought he was the whole package. He was 6ft, fit, muscular, well dressed. I\u2019d been internet dating and met a few dreadful men.<\/p>\n

\u2018This is more like it,\u2019 I thought.<\/p>\n

It was Easter 2013 \u2013 I was 56 and had been single for 23 years since my divorce. I\u2019d raised two children, worked as a school receptionist for 25 years and owned my home. I\u2019d had relationships, but never brought anyone home as the kids came first. Now they were grown and gone, it felt like my time.<\/p>\n

I fell for Terry in a big way. He was nine years younger, divorced and lived a stone\u2019s throw from me. We seemed well matched: we both loved walking, we enjoyed the same music. Terry told me that he liked \u2018women who dressed like women\u2019 \u2013 which wasn\u2019t a problem as far as I was concerned; that\u2019s my style anyway.<\/p>\n

He worked from home in IT support, earned a good salary and was generous. He\u2019d book meals and theatre tickets and never asked me to pay. It felt nice. Within weeks of our first date, he invited me on holiday to France. At first, Terry was wonderful with my family too. My son and his family were living in a council flat which wasn\u2019t ideal, so Terry suggested that they have his place \u2013 a semidetached house with a garden \u2013 for a low rent, and he\u2019d move in with me. It seemed kind, but it moved things forward very fast and gave him a hold over me; I knew that if things broke down between us, my son and his family would be turfed out.<\/p>\n

My younger sister Mandy was worried from the start. There\u2019s only a year between us and we\u2019re close, although very different: I\u2019ve always liked the idea of finding love but Mandy\u2019s a free spirit; I hate confrontation, she\u2019s more outspoken. The second time Mandy met Terry, she and I were going to the theatre, so he offered us a lift in his new BMW. He had pink champagne on ice for us. We\u2019d just decided that he was moving in with me so it was a mini-celebration \u2013 but when we told Mandy the plan, her face said everything. Her first words were, \u2018F***ing hell\u2019.<\/p>\n

From then on, Terry loathed her. He didn\u2019t like strong, opinionated women. He told me she was jealous because she couldn\u2019t get a man. Mandy would call and Terry would say to me, \u2018We\u2019re a couple now; you can\u2019t go running when she clicks her fingers. She\u2019s got to give you two weeks\u2019 notice.\u2019 Even if I managed to see Mandy he\u2019d ruin it, setting time limits, interrogating me about every thing we said.<\/p>\n

I thought Terry was just insecure. The second I got to work each morning, I had to phone him, then again in my lunch break. When Terry was working from our home, he\u2019d go through my things. He found a photo of an old boyfriend on my computer. Terry messaged him, warning him to keep away from me. My ex works in the police force and knew it was a bad sign, so took a screenshot of Terry\u2019s message. (It was later used in evidence.) Terry even went up to the loft and found my old wedding album. \u2018You can\u2019t think much of me if you need photos of him,\u2019 he said. I tried to tell him those photos were part of my life, my children\u2019s history \u2013 but in the end, to please him, they went in the bin.<\/p>\n

Sometimes he\u2019d be the lovely man I first met. He\u2019d arrange weekends away \u2013 we stayed in a castle in Wales, we ate at Rick Stein\u2019s restaurant in Padstow. But the rules piled up. I had to wear stockings and suspenders at weekends \u2013 he insisted on buying them himself. He thought I was dressing \u2018too old\u2019, so he threw out my clothes and bought new ones. At work, I had to wear trousers as Terry didn\u2019t want me showing my legs when there were other men about.<\/p>\n

Gradually, I saw much less of Mandy, less of everybody. He fell out with anybody I loved. I remember him storming out of a caf\u00e9 because Mandy had suggested we visit our nieces. Mandy followed him, shouting, \u2018Who do you think you are? You\u2019re not her jailer!\u2019<\/p>\n

\n

When control becomes a crime <\/h3>\n
\n

Last month MP Rosie Duffield made headlines when she shared her experience of coercive control. \u2018Abuse isn\u2019t only about visible signs. It is very often about control and power,\u2019 she told the House of Commons. <\/p>\n

    \n
  • Coercive control \u2013 defined as a pattern of threats, humiliation and intimidation \u2013 became a criminal offence in 2015. It makes a person dependent on their abuser by isolating them from friends and family, depriving them of privacy and independence and regulating their everyday life. Other signs include verbal abuse and excessive jealousy. <\/li>\n
  • If you are concerned someone you know is a victim, be direct: for example say, \u2018I\u2019m worried about you because\u2026\u2019 Reassure them that the abuse is not their fault. Don\u2019t tell them to leave the relationship or criticise them for staying. Focus on supporting them and building their confidence. Suggest that they contact a charity such as Refuge or Women\u2019s Aid. Be patient: leaving an abusive partner is a process that can take time.<\/li>\n
  • For advice, call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

    He humiliated me at work, too. A colleague was leaving and we planned to go to the pub. I tried to keep it a secret but somehow Terry always knew. He marched into school as we were coming out of assembly and said in front of everyone, \u2018Get out now!\u2019 I followed him to the car, shaking. I felt like the girl whose dad had caught her with boys at the school disco.<\/p>\n

    In all the drama, I lost myself. Terry told me so many times how thick I was, what a flirt I was, how I couldn\u2019t be trusted. He\u2019d mimic me flicking my hair or laughing at someone\u2019s jokes. It got to the point where I couldn\u2019t make a decision without him. I remember standing at traffic lights, holding his hand, thinking, \u2018I\u2019ve raised kids, built a life \u2013 now I\u2019m afraid to cross the road.\u2019 The more frightened I felt, the more dependent I became. Terry talked me into retiring early at 60. My pension was only worth \u00a3300 a month, but Terry said he\u2019d top up my money. He made it sound like he was looking after me, but it meant I lost my financial independence and now I had no reason to leave the house, either.<\/p>\n

    In 2016, at New Year, Terry invited some people (not Mandy) round, got down on one knee and proposed. I hated my life and myself, but standing in front of everyone I didn\u2019t know how to get out of it. \u2018Is it a yes or a no?\u2019 he pushed. I mumbled something like, \u2018Well\u2026 yes.\u2019 We married that July on a cruise he\u2019d booked. Mandy wasn\u2019t there, nor my children. Terry always booked cruises \u2013 I think it\u2019s because once you\u2019re on the ship, you\u2019re trapped.<\/p>\n

    I had no life any more and I wanted to get away. Terry was becoming physically violent. He was always smashing the crockery \u2013 I remember a shard flew up and caught me under the eye. The only thing that concerned him was what I\u2019d say to other people. I told my son I\u2019d cut myself on a cupboard door. Another time, Terry put his hands around my throat and began to choke me. I was so broken, I just thought, \u2018Finish me off.\u2019<\/p>\n

    My son saw the marks on my neck the next day. By now, my family knew what Terry was like and were scared for my life. My son moved out of Terry\u2019s house, banned him from seeing his two children and begged me to move in with his family. I knew that I had to end the marriage. I also knew I had to be so careful.<\/p>\n

    In June 2017, Mandy and I went to my local police station. I could barely speak but I managed to say that I wanted to report my husband for domestic abuse. As I sat giving my statement, I saw Terry walk into the station. I didn\u2019t know how frightened I was of him until that moment \u2013 I thought he was going to kill me. I completely lost it, jumped up, slammed the door of the interview room and flattened myself against the wall. The police were fantastic. They told me that Terry couldn\u2019t get to me and that they believed me, which was exactly what I needed to hear. Terry actually went to the police reception, burst into tears and said that he wanted to report his wife for abusive behaviour but the police saw through him. They had enough information from us to keep him in a cell overnight and Terry has never been back to my house since. For the next few weeks, Mandy stayed with me and slept with a knife under her pillow.<\/p>\n

    The police built a case, speaking to friends, family, neighbours, colleagues \u2013 11 of them were willing to give evidence against him in court. They even found a message on Terry\u2019s phone from an ex-girlfriend saying his controlling behaviour was making her ill. In the end, in September 2018 Terry pleaded guilty to controlling and coercive behaviour. He got a 20-week jail sentence, suspended for two years \u2013 which means he can live normally but if he commits a crime he will go straight to prison \u2013 and a 24-month restraining order so he cannot visit my home or the street I live on. By the time he was sentenced, he\u2019d relocated to Kent and met a new woman \u2013 on a cruise.<\/p>\n

    Recovery has been slow but Mandy has been wonderful. She helped me through the divorce and got my CV together so I could find a new job as a dental receptionist. I\u2019d never heard of the term \u2018coercive control\u2019 but reading other women\u2019s accounts has been eye-opening; it\u2019s as if we\u2019ve all been married to the same man. At times, I\u2019ve felt ashamed for letting myself become a victim, but I know that anyone can get caught in this hell. I\u2019m safe now and at peace.<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    What do you do when the man you thought you loved morphs into a controlling monster? Isolated and fearing for her life, Jacqui Childs turned to the only person unafraid to stand up to him\u2026  Jacqui (left) with her sister Mandy, who helped her to escape The moment I saw Terry, I thought he was […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":136462,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10221280388112155_325455220908133":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-136461","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-english-news"],"yoast_head":"\nMy evil ex cut me off from everyone I loved with coercive control - Wardoon<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/wardoon.net\/so\/my-evil-ex-cut-me-off-from-everyone-i-loved-with-coercive-control\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"My evil ex cut me off from everyone I loved with coercive control - Wardoon\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"What do you do when the man you thought you loved morphs into a controlling monster? 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